Uncouth Jokes
These are the jokes that should have died a generation ago.
Sorry to have repeated them here.
A dung beetle saw his first camel. He followed it for three days. Finally, he became annoyed, jumped up and bit the camel savagely on his flank. The camel shrieked “Yeouch!” and asked, “Why the hell did you bite me?”
The dung beetle told the camel, “Look here, you! Either shit or get that hump off your back!”
The veterinarian told the hog rancher that he would have to artificially inseminate his sows. He thought he knew what this entailed, and didn’t want his wife to see him doing it, so he loaded his herd and drove them far out to a secluded field. He worked all day and into the evening inseminating his sows. Then he brought them back, and fell to bed, exhausted.
Next morning, he dragged himself to breakfast, and asked his wife to look out the window and tell him what his hogs were doing. “Nothing unusual,” she answered.
Thinking he had failed, the rancher loaded his sows again, drove them to the far pasture and resumed inseminating them. Next morning he asked his wife to look and report on the hogs’ behavior. Still nothing. He repeated his work with his sows in the secluded pasture a third time, and next morning, asked his wife for another report. She looked and said, “Oh my! It’s the strangest thing! The hogs have loaded themselves up in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!”
Mr Bear was out in the woods taking a dump when Mr. Bunny happened by. Mr Bear asked, “Hey, Mr. Bunny; do you ever have a problem with little balls of crap sticking to your fur after taking a dump?”
Mr. Bunny replied, “Why, no, Mr. Bear. I never get dingleberries.” Mr. Bear replied, “That’s great news!” Then Mr. Bear snatched up Mr. Bunny in one paw and used him as high grade toilet paper.
A big guy and a little guy were fighting over a wallet. It looked like the little guy was losing, and getting robbed, so I went to help the underdog. After a long, hard fight, we finally got the big guy beaten. He ran away. While I was wiping the sweat and blood off, and catching my breath, the little guy said, “Whoo wee! That guy almost had me til you arrived. Thanks a lot, pal! Let me show my appreciation.” He held out a few bills from the wallet, trying to give them to me.
I told him, “I don’t need to be rewarded for doing the right thing.” He replied, “This is no reward; this is your cut!”
Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon? Good food, but no atmosphere.
A man came into a doctor’s office. He had a carrot sticking out of his nose, and a frond of celery in his ear. The doctor knew immediately what his problem was, and told him “You’re just not eating right.”
What was the nastiest thing said on TV in the 1050's? June Cleaver said it to her husband; “Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.”
What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a slimy, cold blooded bottom feeder, and the other is just a fish.
Ever wonder why sharks will not eat a lawyer? Professional courtesy.
An Eskimo drove his snowmobile to the repair shop. The mechanic looked it over briefly, then said, “It looks like you have blown a seal.” The Eskimo replied, “No; that’s just a little frost on my mustache.”
President Bush and his entourage were invited to go horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth and her noblemen. At one point when Bush and the Queen were talking, Queen Elizabeth’s horse suddenly farted very loudly. Queen Elizabeth exclaimed, “How embarrassing! Pardon me!” Bush, seeing her discomfiture, assured her, “No need to apologize, Queenie. I’m sure everyone thought it was your horse.”
Two polacks walked down the beach. A seagull flew by and dropped a load of quano on the bald guy’s head; Splat! His companion said “Wait, I’ll get you a tissue.” The soiled bald guy said, “Forget it! By the time you get back with a tissue that bird will be miles away!”
Two Jewish grandmothers from Palestine were on vacation in New York for the first time. A vendor told them they should try some American cuisine. He gave each of them a hot dog, and they sat on a bench to eat. One of the ladies unwrapped hers, looked at it, and threw it in the trash. She turned to her companion and asked, “What part of the dog did you get?”
A couple of fur trappers were at the last-chance trading post, picking up supplies, when the owner mentioned that they should consider purchasing a new product for alleviating the long, lonely nights away from home. The product was a five foot plank with a beaver pelt in its knothole. One trapper immediately dismissed the idea, but the other saw the logic and bought one. Six months later one of the trappers returned with a sled full of pelts,. The owner recognized him and asked, “You did really well for such a short time out. How did your partner make out?”
“Not too well,” the trapper replied. “I had to kill him. I caught him with my board.”
A woman noticed a gorilla in her tree. She called the pest control hotline, and they sent a catcher out. The man showed up with a van, a shotgun and a big mean dog. The lady watched as the man chained the dog to the tree, slung his shotgun, climbed the tree and shook the limb until the gorilla fell to the ground. The dog ran over and latched onto the gorilla’s testicles. The catcher climbed down, unchained the dog and locked them both in the van, still attached.
“Interesting operation,” commented the lady, “but I can’t understand why you need the shotgun in the tree.”
“That’s just in case the gorilla shakes me out of the tree,” he explained, “when that happens, I shoot the dog.”
A motorist rolled slowly through a stop sign, but a cop saw it. The motorist whined, “I slowed down, I saw it was clear, I drove through, so what’s the difference?” The cop blew up. “Here’s the difference,” he shouted. He yanked out his beatstick and began bashing the man’s head with it, asking “Now, do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”
A llama goes into a bar, puts down a $20 and orders a beer. The bartender gives him $3 in change and remarks, “Uh, we don’t see too many llamas in here.”
The llama replied, “Of course you don’t, and at these prices you probably never will again.”
A really dumb and disgusting joke would have been here. The reader will please laugh so no one else will notice it missing.
The doctor said, “That’s all we can tell until we get a urine specimen.” The lady didn’t know what that was, but assured the doctor that she’d bring one next time. At home, she asked her husand, and he didn’t know either. He suggested she ask the nieghbor lady, as she was pretty smart. His wife went to do this, and returned battered, bruised, dirty and with her clothes torn. Her husband asked, “What happened!?”
His wife replied, “I asked her, ‘What’s a urine specimen?’ she told me to piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in a sack and the fight was on!”
A man died and went to hell. The devil was showing him around. Satan said, “If you smoke, you’ll love it here tonight, because every Monday we giet the finest tobaccos and smoke our brains out!”
“Really?” the man asked, incredulous.
“Oh yes,” replied Satan. “Do you like to drink? Every Tuesday we get the finest spirits and drink ourselves stupid!”
“Yes!” exclaimed the man. “I love to drink and smoke!”
“Do you like to get high?” asked the devil.
“You know it!” Said the man
“Then you’ll love Wednesdays, because this is when we get all the best drugs and fry our minds! Do you also like sex and rock and roll? Because that is what we do on Thursdays and Fridays.”
“Hell yes, I love sex and rock and roll!”
Satan asked the man, “Are you gay?”
“Not at all,” the man answered, “Why do you ask?”
“Well then,” Satan replied, “You probably won’t like Saturdays and Sundays in hell.”
A man leaped out of an airplane, but his parachute failed to open. As he struggled with it as he fell to earth, he met a man on his way up. He shouted as they passed, “Hey! You! Know anything about parachutes?”
The man replied, “No. I can’t help you there. Do you know anything about stoves?”
A scientist, getting drunk in a bar, offended a clergyman by saying that he was as good as God because he had just created life in his laboratory. The clergyman called the pope, the pope told God, and God appeared in the bar, saying, “Let’s go see who can really make life, you or me!” They went outside and the scientist began by scooping up a test tube full of dirt. God interrupted, “Hold on there, pal! You go get your own dirt!”
A drunk asked the barkeeper, “Where’s your restroom?” The guy told him, “Down that hall and to your left.” The drunk staggered down the hall and went right. A minute later the barkeeper heard screams of pain and rushed down to see what was wrong. The drunk told him, “Every time I flush, it bites me!”
The barkeeper replied, “That’s what you get when you take a dump in my mop bucket!”
A city slicker walked into a blacksmith’s shop and casually picked up a horseshoe that the guy had been forging. He threw it down quickly as his fingertips began sizzling.
The blacksmith said, “Hot, isn’t it? Stupid!”
The city slicker replied, “Not really. It just doesn’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”
A group of kids gathered outside the entrance of the dreaded Fu-Bird’s cave, daring each other to go in. Finally three of them got brave enough to expolore. Upon returning, the others gasped in horror upon seeing that each of the kids had been shit on by the Fu-Birds.
“Don’t wipe that off! You’ll die!”
“I don’t believe in that legend,” the first kid replied as he wiped off the crap on his head. He immediately keeled over and died.
“That’s just a coincidence,” remarked the second kid. He wiped the Fu-Bird crap off his head, and he, too, keeled over and died.
The third kid resisted the impulse as long as he could, but he couldn’t stand it and suddenly wiped it off. He also croaked.
The moral of this story is this: If the Fu shits, wear it.
A minister doing outreach in the ghetto saw a man cursing his wife. He counseled the man to cease, because cursing is an abomination to the Lord.
The man retorted, “God don’t care if I cuss! ‘sides that, I hear cussing in church all the time!”
The minister challenged, “Come to my church, and if you hear any cursing, I’ll give you a cherry pie!”
The man took the bet. Next Sunday, he was in church, listening to the minister’s sermon, which went, “It is only by God that we live, and it is only by God that we die!”
Upon hearing this, the man leaped up and shouted, “And, by God, you owe me a cherry pie!”
A duck waddled into a pharmacy for some chapstick. He told the clerk, “Put it on my bill.”
There was a man who lost his chewing gum in his henhouse. He thought he found it three times.
Another really disgusting joke (so gross I refuse to type it) would be here. The reader will please think “Eeeeeewww!” and carry on.
A Roman farmer noticed that one of his bushes had given forth an unusually large berry. It was so large that he took it to the marketplace and charged people to see it. As word spread of his huge berry, people came from all over the empire to see and praise his berry. Word got to Caesar, who became jealous of the attention it was getting, so he sent a cohort of legionnaires to look into the matter. Upon arrival, the farmer asked them, “You came to praise my berry?” The centurion angrily shoved him aside and growled, “We came to seize your berry, not to praise it!”
Two-bagger: This is where the girl you’re out with is so ugly that you wear a bag over your head, just in case the bag over her head suffers a meltdown.
Two groups of gov’t employees were junketing off to New York City for conventions. The police each bought a train ticket. The District Attorneys only bought one ticket for their whole group. Both groups boarded the train, and like all gov’t employees, spent their time in the dining car stuffing their faces and getting drunk on the taxpayer’s dime. When they heard the conductor moving up the train, shouting “Tickets! Tickets!” the DA’s all excused themselves from their cop buddies and crowded together into the restroom. The conductor arrived, collected all the cop’s tickets, then knocked on the restroom door, asking, “Tickets?” The DA’s slipped their one ticket under the door. The conductor continued on as the gaggle of cops gaped in amazement.
On the way back, the cops bought only one ticket, and the DA’s didn’t buy any tickets at all. When they heard the conductor coming, the lawyers excused themselves and crowded into the restroom as before. The sly cops, having learned from the slippery lawyers, crowded tightly into the other restroom. Then one of the sneaky lawyers slipped out, knocked on the cop’s restroom door, and demanded, “Tickets! Tickets!” Which the cops promptly slid under the door.
People who hike across the midwest can always tell when they have crossed the border into Oklahoma: The farm animals all back up to the fence.
Ever wonder why Oklahoma farmers still wear button flies? The sound of a zipper scares the livestock.
Why can’t Oklahoma cops solve a crime? There aren’t any dental records and all the DNA is the same.
Once I had to stay in an Oklahoma motel, I noticed the faucet dribbling very badly. I called the manager, saying, “I’ve got a leak in the sink.” He replied, “Go ahead.”
Two Oklahoma politicians were out at their cabin, being “sportsmen” while watching one of their hunting hounds lick himself. One said, “I wish I could do that.” The other replied, “You can! Just pet him first.”
Golf whiz Arnold Palmer was selling his Cadillac. Some Nigerians came to check it out. One pointed to some loose golf tees lying on the seat and asked, “What are those for?” Palmer explained, “Those are what we rest our balls on while we drive.” The Nigerians laughed, and one commented, “You crackers think of everything!”
A drunk found a cop and complained, “Somebody stole my car! I had it right on the end of this key.” The cop decided to drag him off to jail, but first told him to zip up his fly, as his genitals were hanging out. The drunk complained “Damn. Somebody stole my girlfriend too!”
How did the Germans conquer Poland? They marched in backwards, telling everyone they were leaving.
A country boy got separated from his tourist group in New York city. Trying to hitch a ride back to his totel, he had no luck. Then he saw a lawyer’s hat abandoned by the curb. Thinking it might help him blend in with the locals, he put it on. Soon as he put his thumb out, a black shiny BMW pulled up and a Manhattan city slicker offered him a ride. Soon as the introductions were over, the driver made small talk by asking, “Do you like sex with your mom?” The country boy choked at the idea, but avoided commenting other than to politely say “No.” Then the city slicker asked “How about your dad? You like fellating your dad?” The country boy said, “Look here! I’m not a lawyer! I just found this hat!”
There will soon be a male birth control pill. It changes your blood type.
Ever wonder why you won’t see lawyers fellating swine? That is because there are some things that swine simply will not do.
Beware online ripoffs. I paid 10$ for a penis enlarger, and they sent me a magnifying glass and a can of boot black.
A farmer got arrested for having sex with his cow. At the trial, the judge asked, “Just what were you thinking?” The farmer replied, “Well, I was probably thinking of a younger, hotter cow.”
A man brought his little daughter to the barber shop while he got his hair cut. As the barber clipped, he noticed she was eating a sticky pastry, and getting far too close. He bent down to her level, smiled and warned, “You know, you’re going to get hair on your twinkie.”
The little girl replied, “Yeah, and I’m going to get tits, too.”
A horny man went to his sex therapist, but didn’t have enough money. He asked, “What can I get for $10?” Insulted, she replied, “I might let you stick your big toe in!” A week later, his toe was swelled, scarlet and throbbing. The doctor examined it and told him, “You got here just in time. You’ve got a bad case of syphilis toe. Good thing we had expected your arrival, or you may have lost your whole leg!”
Puzzled, the patient asked, “How did you know I was coming?” The doctor answered, “We suspected a case of syph toe yesterday, when a woman came in with a bad case of athlete’s vagina.”
Why are there more rabbits than there are squirrels? Try climbing a tree with an erection.
A boy asked the teacher if he could go to the restroom. Minutes later, he returned, complaining that he couldn’t find it. The teacher sent another child to help him. They returned, and the little assistant explained, “The reason he couldn’t find it is because he has his underwear on backward.”
One of the newest graduates of an inner city school read a headline in the newspaper that said, “12 Brazilian citizens killed.” He shook his head, then turned to a man sitting nearby and asked, “How many is a brazilian?”